Wednesday, May 31, 2017

So Wow. Much Deep.

Hello, readers.

It is almost half past two in the morning, and here I am genuinely feeling okay for the first time in these past few weeks. I just got of the phone with my boyfriend, we just finished today's studies for an upcoming job recruitment test at Garuda Indonesia. We studied for a couple of hours, which is good for our first day.

I am happy with the fact that I am finally got my head back in the game. I am being productive, despite the fact that it has only been two days, and I'm feeling good about it. My Mom bought me a set of soft pastels today and I managed to add something into my canvas. And, by canvas, I meant my bedroom wall. I'm not much of an artsy person, but to be able to draw a blue whale in the sky is definitely something big for me. And the fact that it took me less than two hours on it is totally a big deal.

I have two projects that I'm currently on, which are the Jar of Happiness and a 25 Days of Writing. Let's sort it one by one, shall we?

So, the Jar of Happiness is this year long project of taking notes of what makes you happy each day. I get to write any happiness I felt that day on a piece of paper, doodle it, make it look pretty and artsy and stuff, then put it in a jar. By the same date next year, I will probably have a jar full of positivity and happiness, and I get to read all of it and be thankful for a wonderful and happy year. I believe there will always be a lego I will stepped on but, hey, every cloud has a silver lining.

Next, is the 25 Days of Writing which I found at Pinterest. I was scrolling through the endless page of DIY Jar of Happiness when I stumbled upon this challenge. I don't see why I can't do this. Other than the fact it challenge me to be a good writer, I also get to shape my creativity. Aku ya emoh kalau harus dipenjara. Wong badannya udah dirantai, mosok ya harus dirantai juga pikirannya?

And the fact that I have been talking to my Father for these past nights truly set my heart at ease. I have left Him for too long. :)

On the one side, for those who happen to be good friends with depression, anxiety, and any other form of mental issues you might suffering at the moment, hang in there.

Different people tend to have different ways to handle their monsters. I had to isolate myself.  I had to be alone to feel sane, yet I found myself always in a constant battle of needing to be alone and feel terribly lonely. It made me feel like I was chained. I called out for help, but I had the key to set me free in my grip all this long.

Reaching out to your friends might help, because it helped me. A lot. I talked to my best friends and, even though they always got to the point of screaming, "Kinan, safe yourself from yourself!", they were very supportive.

If you have a special someone, don't be afraid to ask for his shoulder to lean on. He won't mind your tears, he won't mind your insecurities, he won't mind the fact that you are fragile and weak as fuck and all you need was his support and him saying, "Every thing is going to be okay" (in my case, "Udah, nggak apa-apa, jangan sedih lagi. Nanti kita belajar lagi, yah."), he won't degrade you as the woman you are, he won't be as unsupportive as you thought he would be. Give him a chance to be there by your side when you break.

Try do things that (used to) make you happy. I got to the point of hating eating and hating writing. Both are the things I love most and I had my moment of not having any passion to do any of them. But, I gave them a chance and, eventually, they made me happy again.

You will get through this, I promise. 

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